Well we’re over halfway through the summer and I have yet to do a blog post. It might have something to do with our newest addition, Brecken Hilarius Windschitl. Brecken was born June 4th on our second to last day of school, which is a story in and of itself. Sara did a better job of sharing that one. He weighed in at a whopping 6lbs 15oz, almost 6 times the size of Bryn when she was born! We feel so incredibly blessed to have a healthy baby. He was full term, so we avoided a repeat of our first go around. Sara was absolutely amazing. I have never seen anything so incredible in my life. Just when I thought they were about to get the Dyson to suck him out (after 20 hours of labor, pushing for 3 hours, and having not eaten anything in a day), Sara somehow found the strength to shoot him out and I caught him. Seriously, I delivered him. It was amazing and umm… he was a slippery little guy and I was glad I didn’t drop him.
We are now settling in and finding a routine in the somewhat controlled chaos. I find myself writing a lot of lists to remember things that once seemed natural. Things like reminders for trash pickup, medicine for the girls in the morning, picking things up from the store, etc. There is something about having a newborn that turns your brain to shit. I absolutely wouldn’t change a thing about it, but let’s just say that lists are a part of our everyday life for awhile. In fact, over the last few months, I have been writing down lists of things to write about in a future blog post. Here is one list I have been working on.
A list of things I never thought I would do.
- Eat lunch while changing a dirty diaper.
- Go number two with two living beings on my lap.
- Openly admit to number 2. *
- Fix lunch with less than 5 fingers
- Have a ten minute discussion with Sara about whether or not we should cut up black beans.
- Eat cheerios (with our without milk).
- Eat stale cheerios or any other form of old food that the girls have discarded, because I was too lazy to get up and throw it in the trash. I busted Sara doing this yesterday with Cheerios she found in the crack of the couch so I’m not the only gross one.
- Stand in any spot in our house (bathroom included) and find at least one cheerio within eyesight.
- Say, “We have an emergency, we are all out of Cheerios!” **
- Lock a human being in the shower. ***
- Let another human being watch me pee as they eat cheerios from the doorway.
- Pee and move at the same time to block the forward advancement of two toddlers from touching my urine. We already know how they got in.
- Eat food from another human’s mouth.
- Ask someone why their hands smell like butt paste.
- Ice numerous parts of my body due to the head butts, and misguided elbows and knees given by my daughters.
- Wipe another human’s nose with my shirt.
- Meet a friend for a beer and then have to explain why my shirt has a hard white substance on it. (See number 15 for an explanation of this white substance)
- Pretend that I am asleep.****
- Telling the girls that there is a puppy or squirrel outside, just to get them out of their level 5 tantrum, even though there is neither a puppy nor squirrel in sight. This actually works for me. Sara thinks it’s mean. I think it’s a sanity saver.
- Be taunted from the bathroom. *****
- Say, “No, I will not eat those glasses. I don’t want to eat those glasses!”
- Say, “We’ve got a pooper in the tub!”
- Refer to their medicine as num num and that they would love it as such. ******
- Blame a fart on one of the kids. *******
- Yes, you may wear 2 different shoes.
- Have to convince my children that going on a bike ride would be fun only to be met with cries of torture. See video.
Although some of these stories seem awful at the time, we always find ourselves laughing about them later. I’m so happy to be a dad and these stories reiterate that you can never fully be prepared for parenthood. Although, if you start creating your list of worst case scenarios today, you may not be totally shocked. =)
* I cannot even use the bathroom by myself anymore. I shut the door to the bathroom and as I was in there, both girls decided to throw a level five tantrum. If you’re not familiar with the scale just think of it like a nuclear meltdown or airport security scale. Level five is the worst. Anyway, while everyone was experiencing meltdown, the girls teamed up and used their combined strength to push open the door (which during a level 5 tantrum, it’s pretty much like a grown man or woman’s strength). Unfortunately they were not done and climbed up onto my lap. I pleaded with them to leave. I pulled out a bunch of my tricks like, “Do you want me to change your diaper?” which usually has them running in the other direction but that didn’t work and neither did “Naptime?” Nope, they just hunkered down on my lap. I remember sitting there thinking, “Did you ever in your wildest dreams ever imagine that something like this would happen in parenthood?” The answer was no. I imagined shooting poo and pee, insane tantrums, but nothing that involved me on the toilet with two screaming toddlers on my lap. Folks, once you’ve had this experience it pretty much opens up a whole new list of possible worst case scenarios. If you’re a new parent there is a way to prepare for this. First write a list of possible nightmares and then somehow also include a few of the following to make it a worst case scenario: poop, pee, a tantrum or two (on the level 5 scale), large groups of people or a church service. At this point you should have a solid list of scenarios. Now simply figure out a game plan for each of those scenarios. I’m not saying that each of these will happen, but at least one of them should. Here is one scenario that I am prepared for.
I am on stage singing for Dierks Bently (I won a contest and will be singing in his place) and my girls come running out onto the stage and drop trou, poop on my new boots and begin rolling around in it. Do you see how that scenario involved lots of people, a tantrum and poop? Feel free to use that as motivation. Now get to work. I’m not going to tell you how I get myself out of that scenario, but let’s just say that it involves a whistle, whip, yo-yo and a elderly woman riding on her bike giving me the finger. (Thank you Chris Farley for your help with that.)
** Cheerios are absolutely disgusting and I don’t get why anyone would willingly eat them. Honey nut Cheerios, yes, but straight up Cheerios? No way. I haven’t yet decided if there is something wrong with the girls or just their taste buds. I will get back to you on this.
*** Both girls had diarrhea dripping out of their diaper and when that happens you are faced with only one decision and that is locking one in the shower while you do clean up on child number 2.
**** Occasionally when the girls won’t nap, I go in and grab them, sit in our rocker and lay them on my chest. When they fall asleep in my arms, it’s as close to heaven as I can imagine. When they wake up in 30 minutes, I just know Sara is outside the door saying, “I told him he shouldn’t go in there.” I immediately do the fake sleep thing that includes snoring, grunts and fake restless movements. Parents, let me just tell you that it doesn’t work. This only excites them and wakes them up more. They enjoy the free opportunity to stick their fingers all the way up your nose. Nora already did this to me twice this summer. I’m just going to flat out tell you that it hurts like a son of a bitch. Yeah their fingers may be “small” but they don’t feel that small when they are all the way up your nose. If this does happen to you do not yell or swear as this will immediately throw them into a level five tantrum and then you’re in deep shit with your wife. Okay, so fingers up the nose is just one of the things they will find entertaining while you fake sleep. They also enjoy fingers in your ears and mouth. When both of them are tag teaming you is particularly fun, but I don’t give up on my fake sleeping, I just get more restless. Honestly at this point you should give up, but if you’re like me and feel particularly competitive during nap time be prepared for the following things. 1. Bellybutton exploration 2. Hair pulling 3. Titty twisters 4. Jumping on your crotch. 5. Laughing in your mouth (yes mouth, I’m not sure why they do this. It’s strange but quite effective). 6. Finally, peek-a-boo because they absolutely know that you are awake.
***** Now that the girls can push open the door, their newest form of entertainment is taunting me from the hallway. They have no problem plugging their noses and saying, “Stinky.” Even forty minutes later after playtime outside, they will return and point at me and the bathroom and say “stinky.” This is becoming borderline harassment.
****** This is more evidence that there is something wrong with their taste buds.
******* It’s just way too easy, unless they start pointing and taunting me and say, “Daddy poop.” When this happened I pretty much blew my cover when I said, “Girls, that wasn’t a poop, it was a fart. There is a huge difference between the two.”