Yeah, it’s March, but if Nora and Bryn end up being anything like their mother, they’ll balk at the cliché-ness of New Year’s resolutions, and refuse to make any in January because they’d be insincere and forced. Then in March they’ll come up with a few changes they’d like to make, and justify making those cliché New Year’s resolutions because they’re not REALLY “New Year’s resolutions” anymore—they’re just commitments they’re making to themselves, and because they didn’t make them when everyone else did in January, they’ll be much more successful at keeping them! Ha! Another mom blogger I love did something similar with her 1 year old, and it got my wheels turnin.’ A little hopin’ and a wishin.’ And yeah, N + B are their own people, blah blah blah, but they get to share all their resolutions this year. Mama didn’t make separate lists. Oh and can you swear in “Mom with a View?” Because in this mom’s view, there tends to be some swearing—just a heads up [note to blog readers–I originally wrote this post for the Minnesota Valley Moms of Multiples newsletter…recycling here so n + b can take note in 18 years!].

1. We will accept that gravity is no longer a novelty. You’ve had your exploration time, ladies. You’re 1 ½ years old. Dropping shit off your high chairs while mom and dad dutifully ignore you (per all the parenting advice) is getting really old. And your pregnant mom is getting worse at nonchalantly picking it all up off the floor. I know you think it’s a funny circus act down there now, but you get it now—if you let go of something in the air, it will fall to the floor. Weeee. Now quit it.

2. We will show our gratitude during diaper changes by not bucking like baby broncos. As far as I see it, you guys have a choice. You could sit in your own waste all day, or you could cooperate, smile and blow kisses at us while we wipe the poo off your asses. I promise you when you’re changing OUR diapers when we’re old and incontinent, we will not act like you are trying to brand our butt cheeks with a red hot branding iron, so a little help here, eh?

3. Likewise, we will recognize that getting strapped into a car seat means FIELD TRIP (read: fun & exciting!) and is not a hostage-taking situation. Remember how it’s winter? And you guys are preemies? And when we’re not quarantined by 2 feet of snow or the polar vortex, we’re quarantined anyway because of all the viruses out there that would cripple your tiny little bodies? Well you’d think the ONE time a week or so that we load up the diaper bag with Clorox wipes and hand sanitizer and take you out of our little South Mpls jail, that you’d pretty much strap yourSELVES into your car seats you’d be so ready for a jailbreak! What’s with the arching and screaming?!

4. We will recognize the difference between weekdays and weekends and adjust our mornings accordingly. Granted, you do stay in your cribs fairly contently until 6:45 or 7am, and we realize that’s pretty good for your age, but maybe you’d want to come quietly cuddle with us in our bed for a little bit after we come get you? Let us chill a little longer on weekend mornings? We’d even consider turning on a cartoon once in awhile, eh, eh? No? You’d rather keep your routine of stepping on our faces to get to all the goodies on our nightstands, dumping glasses of water on cell phones, squeezing mom’s hand lotion everywhere and tearing pages out of magazines? Sigh. Ok.

5. We will stop summoning up Siri on mom’s phone in the presence of others. At one point (pre-kids), mom somehow convinced Siri to address her as “Sexy Bitch” and mom can’t figure out how to undo that. Not only is it pretty embarrassing when Siri says that in front of company (or strangers, really), but mama really doesn’t want one of your first phrases to be “I don’t understand what you mean, sexy bitch.” Thanks.

6. We will temporarily curb our enthusiasm for helping to unload the dishwasher and fold laundry until we are old enough to discern if they are clean or dirty dishes we are unloading, and if it’s clean or dirty laundry we are pulling out of a basket. We’ve been very careful to offer you nothing but praise in these situations, convinced we will someday reap the rewards and you’ll beam with pride as you sort silverware and match up piles socks, confident that you’re the best in the world at these jobs! But for now, maybe just happily bang on the one pot we offer you and do that cute thing where you run around with a pair of mommy’s undies on your head while we do the rest, mmkay?

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7. We will make 2014 the year of the hug-and-kiss greeting. You guys give great hugs and kisses…but you’re pretty damn stingy with them. What do we say this year we shoot for a hug-and-kiss combo when we pull you out of your cribs in the morning, when we get home from work in the afternoons, before bed, and maybe some just-becauses sprinkled in between? Too much? We really do enjoy the aggressive face grabs and push-aways when we go in for hugs and kisses, but maybe we try something a little different this year? Yeah!

And since this year will include the birth of your younger sibling, here are a few resolutions we’re hoping you make in advance.

8. We will continue to be really decent sleepers when BW3 comes (Baby Windschitl #3). Thank you for recognizing that you’ve had your middle-of-the-night time with mom and dad and now it’s time to respect your baby sib’s nighttime attention needs. We hesitate to tell you this, but nothing scares us more than 3 babies awake at the same time anytime between the hours of 10pm and 6am. So thanks for being awesome. In advance.

9. We will DEFINITELY stay in our cribs until the end of 2014, but most likely until we’re 4 or 5 years old. Yeah, we know it’s inevitable you’ll probably launch yourselves out of them at some point, but I’m almost certain that the day one of my offspring is able to WALK OUT OF HER ROOM in the morning and WALK INTO MINE, pretty much deciding what time our day starts, is the day all my hair turns gray. At once. We could come up with something really cool… like bunk bed cribs! It would be so fun! Whaddya say!?

1o. We will teach BW3 only the cutest of our habits: how to “read” books aloud using different voices just like daddy, splash and roar like wild animals in the tub, sign “more, please” when mom or dad give us a bite of their food, and play peek-a-boo using our own feet. Just pass it down, ladies. You got this.

Love,

Sexy Bitch (aka Mom)

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